Today is a picture perfect Saturday. Although extremely hot, the kids are playing in the pool while I sit sun bathing, watching and playing with them, listening to a variety of music and feeling a slight breeze.
As I sit here I think to myself that this is how it is supposed to be. Castle, husband, happy family, 2 kids, 1.5 dogs, fish, bunny, pool. Beautiful sunshine through a canvas of white cottony clouds.
Hard to believe that life seems so perfect at this very moment. When ten days ago I hit my breaking point.
I celebrated my 44th birthday deciding what changes I needed to make in my life. Because after 44 years of trying to be perfect: perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect friend, perfect family member, perfect daughter, perfect to everyone, perfect at, well, EVERYTHING it got to be a surmounting lot of pressure.
I love my life and all that I do but at this point in life we are supposed to be enjoying what we spent our 20s and 30s working so hard for. At least that is what my therapist said. YES, I said therapist.
After a major breakdown and a behavior the most irresponsible I could ever be I hit it. My breaking point. I exceeded my pressure threshold. I acted out I think partly as a final cry for attention that I needed someone to see ME, and partly a sigh of "well, WTF, why even try so hard?" Neither excuse my horrible actions. But, it did do two things.
1) It did get attention
2) It did make me finally STOP everything and going through the motions and see ME.
I've been crying out for anyone to actually see ME, and in the end, I didn't even see myself through all the other business life was throwing at me. I feel like I've been swimming against the stream for quite awhile and finally I just let it wash me down stream.
Sure there are those who are sitting behind their closed doors judging me and looking down from their towers and pedestals thinking how much better they are than I am at this point. And so be it. As my therapist said, I can't control what others think or feel and it really isn't any of their business anyhow. I can control what I think and how I feel and as long as I know I am swimming a new course then that is all that matters.
And you know what they say about 'behind closed doors.' I'm not the only one who has hit a melting point. I am just the only one who has been seen outside the 'closed doors'. But, in reality, living in a glass house now isn't really so bad. In fact, it is quite freeing. I can be myself. I am strong, I am confident, and I hold great value.
And I have no place in my life for anyone who thinks or feels otherwise. So, let them live in judgment behind their closed doors. Meanwhile, the view from my glass house is grand. And I am swimming toward that silver lining.
Because that is what a Glass Half Full Gal does. May your Saturday be as peaceful as mine <3