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Saturday, February 7, 2009

So the thing about the Theaters is....

Well, Gary hit the nail on the head.  I don't like movie theaters.  And, for the most part....  Because they are just, plain darn, nasty.  I'm talking down to the popcorn they fill your bucket with.  And, that "fake so called butter."  Y'all do know there is no butter or dairy to it.  It's total fat, transfat, crap with flavor, some butter fake flavor, oil and crap -- to make it stick and taste good.
And, even new theaters?  Uncomfortable.  Completely.  And, sticky.  And, how often do the steam mop the floors or steam clean the carpets.  I'm thinking every six months if we are lucky.  And, even if they have an appropriate policy in place for steam mopping/carpet cleaning, we all know in reality the teens and staff working there are probably going to date and check the OSHA (Occupational Safety and Hazard Administration) list as having been done and spray some lysol around to make it smell as so it is true.
And, while we are on the subject.  Do you think they ever, ever steam clean the seats?  Tell ya' what.  Next time you go to the theater, just take the time to smell the seat.  That'll prove my point too -- though, it will also probably send you to the restroom to toss a few cookies or whatever was the last thing in your tummy.
But, in all reality, aside of the pure nastiness and discomfort of movie theaters I do have other biases against them.
  1. The are too d@#mn loud!  I'm one of those remote freaks.  I like it loud enough where you can hear the close up secretive conversations.   I highly dislike the shoot-em up explosive scenes that blow your ear drums out.  I can see what is happening.  My eyes do a mighty fine interpretation.  I do not need to kill the fillas in my eardrums to enjoy the movie.
  2. Remember, the rumor about druggies and aids victims leaving their infected hypodermic needles in the bottom of the seats to prick and infect unsuspecting movie goers?  Yes, I'm the Gal who enters the theater with two magazines for a butt guard against this.
  3. Is it truly "theatre" or "theater" as both spellings are acceptable but not so easily found in the yellow pages depending on what state or city you are in.  Trust me.  This is one of those things I ponder on while traveling.
  4. Sticky floors, sticky seats, uncleaned cup holders.  Seriously, I may sound obsessive, but have you taken a flashlight into the theater and shined it within the orifices to which you are placing your beverages, or on the seat in which you are placing your buttocks?
  5. Did I mention it is unseemingly loud?
  6. The seating is extremely uncomfortable. 
  7. The bathrooms are a mile track.
  8. There is no "pause" button for trips to the "loo" for yourself or the three trips that will be made if you happen to have one or more children with you.  Or, possibly, a spouse.
  9. People who laugh too loud.  And, then talk through the movie.  
  10. The expense.  Now days, we can rent the same movie within three months of it's "debut" and we can watch it as many times as we choose, and even a part at a time with "paused" interuptions, from our living room or bedroom, with free snacks and no line to the loo.
So, there's a little of the few things about theaters/theatres I dislike.
To recap:  Uncomfortable, unclean and unsanitized, food is expensive, nasty, crap, and unhealthy, and a lack of control over sound, quality, and disruptions.
My vote?  Pay-Per-View, or Video Rental.
I've often thought I'd be an excellent candidate to work for OSHA.  Though, I'd either have every proprietor out of business....or be assassinated due to my dedication to my job and the detriment it brought to those whom I was charged with inspecting.
Ask the Hubster.  If you visit a restaurant or other facility with me, I will see the scrupulous oversights.  I can't help myself.  It's a talent, a quirk, a curse.  
Happy Saturday Night!



Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

We watched Man on a Wire last night, about a guy who secretly snuck onto the World Trade Center, strung a wire between them and walked across for 45 minutes---a great documentary, and right here through the computer on netflicks. I told my wife--'in five years, will you have to go anywhere to get a movie, or will they all come straight to your house like this when you want it?'. How can you beat that, look at the menu and make your choice?
I remember you talking about hotel room carpets--something I hadn't thought about. I know what you mean about theater FLOORS. We went to a new cinema last summer with big comfy seats and the floors were not sticky yet----but guess what? as you say, it will blow you out of your seat its so loud, and the people too.
I am betting your husband saw Clint in 'Gran Torino'

C said...

My family doesn't go because of the price. It is nuts for all 5 of us to attend. You would think with all the money they charge they would keep it clean, but no! Those movie theater's are making a killing. My 2 oldest girls love to go, it is an adventure, until DD2 decides to sit on the floor...that is when my tummy starts to churn some...ack!

Jay said...

"It's total fat, transfat, crap with flavor, some butter fake flavor, oil and crap..."

Mmmmmm ... now I'm wanting some movie theater popcorn! ;-)

I rarely go to the theater for most of the reasons you listed. There are some really nice movie theaters out there though. Places with large comfy seats and even some that serve burgers and beer! But, they are extremely expensive.

And, about #10. You can actually do even better than that. If you look around online you can find most of the movies that are out in the the theaters right now online. Just sayin'

Krishna said...

OMG, you have totally ruined it for me. i'm gonna have to travel with a theater chair slip cover so i can go to the movies. as for the food, i never buy that crap. in fact, i've been known to walk in with a whataburger bag of lunch. Not sneaking it in but just walk on in. i always take a glass of tea from whereever i've had lunch or a bottle of water.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I could have already listed those reasons as soon as you said you didn't like movie theaters!

BTW, theater is a building. Theatre is an art form (plays, musicals, etiquette) ...unless, possibly, we are talking about Canada. They spell everything funny up there. (Love 'ya, my Canuck friends!)

Prohomemaker.Com said...

I am *so* with you on the loud factor ... and the last time I was in a theater (when "Aviator" came out, this woman was chomping popcorn so loudly, I wanted to turn around and tell her so. :-)

Oh and beautiful new ride for you!